I sent off money for my driver's license today. Including mail( snail mail) time, next wen should be when I can reinstate it. WOOT. I will also have a full time day job then as well so I wont miss tball or any more time with my boys.

While I have a bathroom that needs to be cleaned I felt a stop here was in order. This past week has lots to be filled with. Some joys, some not. I made it a whole work week without colapsing. This is a great acomplishment for more then one reason. First of all it's a hard working job. Moving and doing hard labor for 4 hours is killer. Also I have not worked in 3 years...so yeah. I have lost a total of 6 pounds in 3 weeks. IT FEELS SO GOOD. I have my oldest in school he is ahead of the game and got star student of the week! My youngest and I have come to odds and get along better then ever. I was enlightened by a wonderful book called raising your spirited child. Good stuff. On the down side I had to let go of my yongest to the care of his father for 2 weeks. With in 24 hours the only thing I asked ( for him not to be in homes of smokers who smoke inside) had been denied. It upsets me because his health is my primary concern.

Next week- to shoot for 2 more pounds and to get my dl back...woo hoo.

Marriage and really anything in life - is about taking the good with the bad. SO in the midst of our emails my husband writes this as his feelings for why he doesn't want to be with me, "I care for you greatly.. just dont forsee us being very happy
together at this moment in time.."

I'm baffled and in tears because it makes me feel like I'm not worth the hard times to get back to the good times. I wish life was that easy, just toss the bad times to the side and move on till it gets better and then let it come back. Life doesn't work this way. Things don't get better unless you work to make them better.

I hope he sees this one day.

It feels good to stay busy. I took some Excedren PM last night and that really helped me sleep. i was supper groggy this morning, so it took me forever to get started. Honestly being distracted by sleep wasn't bad. Then I got to catch up with e-mails and all my community sights. I changed a lot of my profiles back to Tallahassee. I'm getting " my ducks in a row" so to speak. I have to wait a little longer for some things, but all in all I will be ok. Knowing that is half the battle. I know that I'm not going to keel over and die without him. I wont be happy, but I wont die.

I took the kids to Mcdonalds. I would have stayed longer but sitting there in the silence was killing me. I wish I would have brought a book. I silent distraction from my minds wonderings. We came back and I got this odd boost of energy and washed off the car. My car that is. It's not perfect, but it would need a really good detail for that. I just wanted to get the layer of mold off of it from sitting under a tree. Then i came in and started to tackle the kitchen and laundry. I still have some stuff to pack, I can get down to the one days worth of things for the kids and I tonight.

It's still unreal. i think it wont be real to me till I am in another room - Another house- and wake up going holy shit it's really over. At least I can look myself in the mirror and know that I have done everything I can and still be myself to make this work. That this was his call and his choice. If he changes his mind and wants to be with me, it will be his turn to make the sacrifices and move to me.

Looking forward to tomorrow. Have my sister in law's baby shower to do. I'm glad I stayed for it, I'm glad I got to do one last thing with my in laws. If my DL is in tacked when he is born I will be at the hospital, otherwise I will make plans to spend the night on the couch and see him when he comes home. I will miss her the most. We really have gotten along really well, and do a lot together. Not that I don't like my other sister in laws, we just don't do as much together.

Today has been another no cry day. It feels good to be dry. I still hurt when he walks out the door, but at least its a little tear up, not a 4 hour sobbing session. One day at a time is all I can ask for.

I am doing better today. This doesn't mean that it will last. I know that I am going to be an emotional rollercoster from now till whenever. This morning went well. I'm hungry. Because of the lack of " coupledom" we haven't done the grocery thing. so I am not eating well and what I am eating isn't good for me. * looks at her cup of over sugared coffee* However I have stopped myself from having a full on fit today more then once. He is running errands and I really don't wish him ill as he walked out the door. So two things I did today, 1) didn't cry when he left 2) didn't wish him ill. YAY me. I'm growing.

I know he will leave again tonight, and I will be on my own to fend for distractions. Hopefully I can not cry again tonight. I found some Pm pain reliever. I think I will take that tonight and let the kids stay up. No need for Michael to go to school Friday. It's show and tell day and it's cold and he doesn't need to get sicker. I'm V. c and resting him to death today in hopes he wont get sick.

I applied for a job as a Unit Secretary in the radiology department at the local hospital to where I will be moving to. I know someone who knows everyone, maybe I will get lucky. If you pull on enough strings one is bound to fall into place.

One thing I failed at today was not being snippy to the husband. My hurt is an evil thing on my tongue. I need to say I'm sorry. It wasn't even bad, but I had no reason to be snippy with my words. I knew it as soon as I said it too. It wasn't what I said, just how I said it. I have a lot of stress and I want to blame him so the words come out harsh when I talk to him. It's not fair, but who ever said life was fair? Right, so be a better person and learn from your mistakes. I will be nice. That might make me cry..but we can only do so much before we leak. After all I am only an emotional human.

Something else I did for myself was set some goals. Nothing like " get a job" kind of stuff. I know I need to do those things to survive. I set them in a myspace blog, but I will post them here as well and update it as I go. I'm still working on the list. I don't know all of what I want to do, it was just a start to keep my mind busy on something other then sadness. It worked. Once I get more stable I will add more detailed things like a certain job or going back to school ect. But that might not be obtainable goals for 2009. First need after I get settled with a job and such is a savings for a car!!

As much as it hurts me to leave his house and his life, I know that I am loved and that I have so many people willing to help me where I am going. Family and friends and even there friends. I am not an easy person to get along with for a long term live in situation, and I hate asking for help, but I am sure glad it is here for me when I need it.

It's hard to start over at ( almost) 30. However, I will heal and I will live. Life will go on with or without me so why not get up and get back into the flow of things? Exactly.

I'm wondering tonight, how he thinks this is ok? How he thinks pushing his wife and children ( well one child and a step child) who depend on him so much out of his life. How he thinks it is ok to let me deal with a 5 year old who doesn't understand and is crying because he wants him to come with us too. I have so much pain, and it's like he has none..he just...just walks out of the house like it's a guys night out every night. I don't even mind that he goes and chills with his brother and who ever...I have been telling him for 2 years to go have a night out with his brothers. He needs time to himself and away from the family, so do I..but I dont' get it. Anyhow...I assume he has someone else...nothing I can do about that other then wheep that I have been replaced. I'm not sad because of that, I'm sad because he can't even try to hold this family together. Should I have said I wouldn't leave no matter what? I mean I see that as selfish, if he wants to push me out the door, why should I stay? I don't want to move back ..not without him, I mean I would love to move back with him. I say I'm looking forward to moving, but I'm lieing to stay strong. I know that his lack of hurt is what hurts me the most. How long has he been over me? How long has this been a lie? How long has he been cheating on me? if he is ... It takes me about an hour each time he leaves for me to get right again. I'm so upset that its causing me physical pain. I want to be mad so I wont hurt about this. But I can't be mad..I don't know why. I'm not the bad guy here, he is the one that wants this to end...another useless marriage for him...a life altering, mind splitting sacrifce for me.

I feel more alone today then I have all week. I hoped that it wouldn't come so strong till I left this house. His lack of being here throws my whole life in a loop. Even the kids can feel it, see it and are acting out. I want to act out too. It's not mature to do so, and life needs me to keep a strong head for my children. I miss him when he is gone, I worry about him, I wonder about him. I envy him. He is so free. Who cares if it's just pool, or going to have dinner at a friends house..I want to do that. I have to be here for the kids, I can't just walk out the door with no idea of when I will be back. I'm not free. I am a caged tiger pacing. Back room to front room and around again. I am awake, I am alive, I am in motion, but I am not living. I can feel myself dieing every min i live like this. The heart feels as though it has stopped beating, no more blood flowing- I'm cold. I shiver and feel frost bitten. The light has left my eyes. I can see it in the mirror, a sad little girl in an adults body. Failed, rejected, unloved and left behind again like so many times before. Used. Everyone I have ever trusted with my heart has hurt me. I just don't think that I will get over it this time. It's not worth the time, and then the pain to love again. I have my boys, and my friends that understand that I can semi trust and fake a smile along the way.

I like to catch the snips of " the view" from ABCnews.com. I love that show but with 2 of my own kids and watching others, time for myself is rare. So this gives me some highlights that I can laugh with at any hour. So as i stream around about 2 weeks of them, I see one with Ann Coulter and her new book " guilty: Liberal" victims" and there assault on America" . The view's snipit of the book was about her chapters on single mothers. This hit home for me because I was raised mostly by a single mom, I have done my time as a single mom, looks like I am about to do it again as well as I know a few single moms that are doing a great job. So as it goes on she is being attacked by these 4 women on the view because ( as is the norm I love Whoopi and think her opinions are right on the money) she is attacking single moms. Sure she looks at the negative on people in jail, crimes, runaways, suicides blah - so on. How about the people who are a success that are raised by single moms? The ones that did not kill anyone, have not been arrested ever, ect? How many of them had single moms?

So now I have a new task for myself. I want to go to the book store, and just might tomorrow, and buy this book. I will write more about it I am sure, my strong opinionated self will have much to say I imagine.

I am so angry. I don't understand. I wish that things were different. Things are not going my way and yes, I'm so upset, so angry and so frustrated. However I will not bash him. I love him, he is smart, he can be funny, he is a good cook ( when he cooks), he has lots of ambishes ( spelling) ideas, he has so much potential. He is warm and a good snuggler, even though I am not a snuggler.

I wish so much that things could be right, that we could just see each other, hug each other and then boom everything work out for the best. The only thing I can think of is he thinks he has found something better...weather or not that is a person who will stay with him or not, I don't know, but i do know that I am what is best for him, he just doesn't know it yet.

This is going to hurt for a long time. Emotional hurt, is worse on me then physical pain.

That doesn't mean i don't want to dump the pot of chili in his bed..but I wont.

AND I LIKE IT.



The Proposal:




When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of "tough decision", and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to
218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.

Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some yearly monetary gains include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)

$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)

$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in
1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note:
Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we ha ve 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

$ 44,108,400 reduction of congress members.

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.

$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaini ng house members.

$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.

$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

If Congress persons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONEterm.

When I had the idea to make this blog, it was meant to be my opinion and educational. I would start off with news articles and my opinions, I wanted to move on to neat things I found browsing the internet. Like when I found the story of thanksgiving. ( http://wilstar.com/holidays/thankstr.htm )

So much has changed and it really is a personal blog. I never wanted to hang my dirty laundry on the internet, but sometimes talking to no one and having someone respond is nice.

I think I will make this into a blog about relationships and breakups. I got the idea from this website. However i do and do not like some of the things this one talks about. SO i'm going to make my own version.

http://www.therelationshipgym.com/how_to_get_over_a_break_up.htm

Spliting your life in half, each one gets a portion. What stays? What goes? Who cares? Each box another knife in my side, reminding me of the things that will never be, rubbing in my face the failed portion of yet another memory in my life. Take this movie to remind me, take this one to forget. He leaves and the darkness consumes me. I float for hours in the cold darkness of my bedsheets. I hear the kids breathing as they dream sweet dreams with no understanding of what hell mommy is going through. My silent sobs I hold back as to not shake the bed. Waking them with my self pitty would make me selfish. I hear the car pull up and I hold my breath, why? Do i expect him to walk in and tell me he was kidding? that he loves me more then life itself and wants to stay a family...could I really still be that nieve?


yes

I have always been a dreamer, looking for the bright light at the end of my dark tunnel. Looking for a night in shinning armor. So easy to fool a child's mind in a grown woman's body.

Will I ever trade this pain in for another stopper in my tub of lonlieness?


No.

I love him, I will always love him. He is a good person, and he means well. He is smart, and has so much potential. He might waste it with me not here to push him to it, he might move with blinding speed to it when Im not here to bitch at him to get to it. I can only work on moving forward with my life.

I never thought leaving would hurt this bad. Each time we would fight it was just an impulse to think of leaving. Here it is and my worst fear is that on his weeks with our 2 year old son...the fact that you can't wake him up scares me. My son can get into so much stuff, and he will be wet and need to eat and a drink and just ya know be taken care of. He swears that he will get up..but what if ya know..I mean that is part of the reason he and I fight. He wont get out of bed. SO yeah it's a worry of mine.

Packing is going well. I hate that I have so many memories that I am leaving behind. so many hopes, dreams and thoughts of a better life. I guess the point is that none of that was going to happen weather I stayed or not, but still when I pick up something and it reminds me..I cry. I cry a lot. I hurt inside because all I wanted was to have this little family.

I have to admit that nothing has gone right sense I moved to this town. 3 years of pain will come to an end. But at the same time, 3 years of hopes and dreams that I'm not ready to forget will also come to an end.

The good news is this, I have a place to go, and I have a job to go to. I am already 2 steps ahead of what I am now. I need to sell my car, and I need to get my DL paid off.

I have to admit even having one very failed relationship, I never expected married life to be this hard. We have lots of fights, most of them I feel are about money so I tend to grip ( or bitch in his opinion) about how much he gets up and goes into his office. In his defense I understand that he can do a lot from home and still get paid. However he could go that extra step and go into the office and show them that he wants to work more hours and is more dedicated to his job. He would get more money by doing so as well. So goes the on going fight we have...almost daily. Sure maybe it is my fault for getting upset at him everyday for the same thing and starting the same fight. I guess I am insane right? Doing the same thing expecting different results. something like that yeah.

Well not long ago we had a horrid fight, it wasn't going to end pretty if we stayed in the house. So I called my mom to come get me because she is the closest family I have. ( she is 2 hours away) and then I went to my mother in laws to wait and hopefully cool down a bit. He followed and it just got worse from there. My mother who can not drive at night couldn't come after all and I took my mother in laws advice and understood that my son needed to go to school the next day and didn't need to miss school. Still being told you want a divorce is a good reason to leave in my opinion. As always the next day he is fine and dandy like nothing has gone wrong. I am still suffering deeply for the things he said.

Last night, or late afternoon really we got into a more civilized fight and it basicaly was about the same stuff. He needed to go to work as in go into the office. That he told me he would start and never did blah blah blah. I guess he doesn't understand my pain of not being able to get a job in a very small town with many places closing down. I can't fix the money issues so I fall back to him needing to do so. Push comes to shove and it ends with him telling me he is unhappy with me ( not that I am suprised I know we fight a lot) but more hurtful was the fact that he is only with me for the kids.

I was crushed. I can understand staying close to someone, like in the same town, for the kids, but never being with them. I see how miserable other people are that do that, and I have no use for it. I want to leave, but I have a lot standing in my way. Mostly I think it is the vegue hope that he said it in frustration and didn't really mean it, or that things can change and the hope for love to return is there.

A few things I know are this.
-he is never going to change. He will always be one to sleep in, lie about hours and do as little as possable and get as much out of it as he can.
-I will always be upset by this, and will never be happy with a half achived life with no ambishion.
_ Him feeling this way has made me loose all sense of what my goals where. ( make a better life for him, the kids and us.)
-I don't want to take michael out of school or t-ball.
-If this fails too, I will never look for personal compainiship again.

A few things I wonder
-If I do get a job would that help me deal with this?
-If I do leave would that hurt me more then staying?
-What if love is possable still?

So there was this friend who told me about a really bad situation. What it boils down to is personal priorities. So I have spent most of this week thinking about what mine where, are and will be. Not much has changed in the last 5 years, My children are my priorities. I lost my selfishness when I had kids. Sounds right, normal I guess. But so many people don't feel, think or act that way. It's kinda sad to see it, ya know.

So my conclusion to my life is this, I can deal with a lot of stuff that I don't like because my kids are in a good place for there life. There is always room for emprovment, but that has lots of factors that I can not change. I do what I can with what I am given. I mean we are in a great school zone, not just for the area, but for the country. ( as far as public schooling goes) I have a small house in my husband and Mines name. We live in a nice, mostly quite area. ( normal noise, car radios, dogs, nothing party like) Our bills are paid, we have a nice car, food in the house, clothing on our backs. we have extra's like computers and toys for the kids. I know that my life is not perfect, no my kids are not extravagantly spoiled, but they know kindness, manners and know that I love them more then anything in the world. We have our health and the health of those we love.

Those are my personal priorities. After that yes I have some things that will cost a lot of money, but will yield wonderful, life changing, bettering life results. I want to go to school, I want to be a nurse. ( rn) If I have to live in a state I hate because it's better for my kids, I might as well do something that will better my life and keep me busy plus feed my caring, nurturing side.

So my husband and I are " fighting" a lot about jobs and what not. I don't have one and I hate that. I wanted to stay home the first year of my son's life and it just kinda keeps getting postponed because i'm watching this kid or that kid..this is going on or that. I will apply at a job and know that it wont be much better then we are not, if any at all, but the point is i will be working and not feel worthless. Thing is, that he is safe ( well semi safe, no one is " safe") in his job working for family. he is paid well for a job that he is good at. While I know other people who have master degrees and are scrubbing bathrooms for low income just to get by. I will be thankful for any job I might get. I will keep looking but I need to stop being so upset about me not having it. I just get so upset because people are so " well he makes the money" like my contributions to this family are not worthwhile. I hate being overlooked. I have always been above avg in everything i do. I might wait till I get my car sold and my DL back in working order, but I think I am ready to suck it up and go back to photography. I love it, I love kids, I'm old enough to deal with the politics of it all. I know that my head strong deminor might put managers off, well district managers more so, but o well. I want to be doing something with my life and I am tired of being home and looking at all I do and feeling like I am on the back burner.

I wonder if the economy will be effected by this mass degree layoff? I wonder if the up coming kids to go to college will see that it isn't getting others anyplace and will choose the work force vrs school force? I know that having a degree and certificates behind your name are much better, but it's hard to convince someone when you see a master degree scrubbing the local bathroom...

I wonder how it effects others outside of my own little bubble. What is worth being spent on, and what isn't to the masses.

I know food, clothing and school needs are top in our list. But we made room for my oldest baseball. I wonder what else will make the list as time goes by.

Q) What are my feelings about our making time to enjoy one another?

I guess for me it's one of those things I just assume we do. Last night we watched movies and sat next to one another. we have other things we try to fit in that are more suited to his liking. We both spend time with the kids playing both in and out of the house and then more then ever to I feel close to him. We both play online games and we share an office, so alone there we spend much time in each others presence.

I would do more things outside the home, but he likes to be here...and that is fine, I don't mind most days. We tried to set up a date night, but that backfires because I love my children so, that spending time away from them is more stressful then helpful to our relationship.

I often have to set myself aside, and wonder why I get frustrated at people or because of what people do. I'm not sure why I get all worked up over something that might not even effect my life at all...and if it does, it is so small that it shouldn't matter.

For the most part I try to dismiss my frustration because I know that I have control issues. I have been working on them a lot the last two years, but sometimes that evil monster comes back. I notice that other control freaks tend to bug me, but not for the same reasons. It isn't because they want to control things, it is because they want to control them and do them to there liking. Where i want to control things, and make sure that they get done to other people's liking. ( understand the difference?)

Gulable ( spelling?) people frustrate me to no end. I really hate when someone will boldly interject something that you have never heard of, or that you know is not true, and defend them selfs to the death because someone told them before. In this day and age, what does it hurt to do a little homework and use this wonderful tool " google". So many young mothers being told crazy things that make them parinoid about everything. It's scary enough without the help of bold face ignorance mascarding as intelegence. Now do not get me wrong, I am not talking about old wise ( or old wives depending on where you are from) tales. Sure most of them are untrue or even half true, I'm talking about silly things like " worms get into your system by the eyes." no they do not. They are passed by food and drink, from feces. this happens when people mess with infected feces and do not properly wash your hands. OR my new fav one is " farting on a pillow and then someone sleeping on it, gives them pink eye. " OR similer to " feces in the eye gives you pink eye". Pink eye is passed by any touching-touch the eye then a door knob, the next person who touches that door knob will get pink eye. It's that simple and that scary.


Anyhow this blog is just me writting because today I seem so frustrated. I have 3 small things that are bugging me..small I tell you. Yet I am super frustrated for ZERO reason. None of them should bug me or set me over the edge the way i am. My husband and I yelled about how to reheat the ribs in the oven...who cares? I did I guess. i swore the way he did it would leave them dry..he yelled so I yelled...blah. It's stupid things like that. it just piles up and then BOOM. That is not a pretty day in this house when that happens. I think some of it might have to do with the my imbalance. I keep swearing I will get this blood work done, but something always happens. I need this or that I want to get this done first yada yada yada...but as of right now, it is like this. Finish this cycle of antibiodics, and go to the doc, demand blood work, because that is the only way I will get it, and then find out if it is me or medical.

Ok rant of a frustrated person over with.

Growing up for every child we teach them about the world around us. One of those youthful yet universal questions is " what do you want to be when you grow up?" Most kids start off with " policeman, firefighter, techer, doctor " but really it takes so much more then those things to make the world go round. No matter what i did want growing up, being a wife and a mother were low on the list. Finishing school, getting into college and having a " real " job came first. Alas things happen and I did finish school, not college, I did find a job, I am a mother and a wife. I was also in my 20's before any of this happened and still think I should have waited.

I look around me here and where I grew up. lots of people I knew are mothers, still with the father but not married, going to school to finish degrees, still trying to make it in life. I look around me here and I see drop outs, getting married before they are legal, having babies..it's scary to me because the assperations stop at mother and wife.

I guess when I see someone that could be so much more and they stop with a ged and go for wife and then jump into mother hood and will forever be just that...it hurts me. Do not get my wrong. I love my children, and I adore my husband, but i still want to go back to school and be a nurse. I still have assperations.

I can understand judging someone that you do not know. We judge by sight, smell, taste, touch and sound. We have the need to survive and the need to fit in. What I don't understand is when someone tells me they hate someone they do not know. It happens to be a big name person who this random myspace person has " I hate..." for her headline. I just don't understand how you can hate someone you don't know. Hate is as powerful of an emotion as love. Can you love someone you do not know? I do not love nor hate a single actor or actress, because I do not know them. I can dislike choices, I can dislike there acting style, I can even hate there taste in mates, food, music, clothing, but not them. Just because I wouldn't get along with someone doesn't mean i should hate them. I do not let others think for my, so I also do not hate because my mother, brother, sister, father, husband, might hate them. It's just me I assume, but I am sure there are a lot of people who might side with me on this.

Hate is an emotion that to me means I liked them, loved them maybe and let them in close enough to hurt me, so now I hate them for the hurt they caused me. Blind hate is anger misplaced.

I feel sorrow for this person. Sorrow that she " hates" and now may miss out on the joy that this person might have given her in the future because no matter what this hated person does, this random myspace person will never think anything more then "hate" and negative things to them and there actions.

People we need to keep an open mind in life. You never know what you might miss out on if your keep your mind closed to the things around you. "Stop and smell the roses" stop and breath the air, deep into your lungs, let it fill you up and let it out, with it let all the hate, sorrow and anger out too. Be a stronger person because you know you can love and live.